Ladies and Gentlemen
You have permission to believe your eyes
You never thought it could be like this
Every badass actor in the country all loaded into a movie
About every badass criminal in the country all loaded onto to one plane
It can happen
I am living proof
Actually, the movie is living proof
Well, it's not living but it is proof
Alright, let's run this y'all
Thunderstruck ****ed by the mind-**** rhymer
Lightning bolt courtesy of Jerry Bruckheimer.
Con Air, not like the ****in hair dryer
This is the story how we raised the bar higher with a
Cranny full of criminals in need of transportation to
A fly, new Supermax, the ill incarceration. 
Worst of the worst, felonest of the fellions, but
One long-haired beauty stood out among the hellions
Body like a statue- that's beside the point
He hitchin' on the plane they fly from joint to joint
And he only in the joint because the day he left the navy he
Punch****ed a man to save his wife, fat with baby
Didn't wanna tussle, they surrounded and trapped him
Got the courtroom hustle when the judge done slapped him with a
Seven-year stint of dubious validity, his
House is on the way to the new facility but the
Brilliant criminals somehow claim their liberty now the
Alabama hunk's gotta use his ability

BUST

(How do I live?) You don't! ‘Cause I'm Malkovich! And you standing in my path
(How do I live?) You don't! ‘Cause I'm Diamond Dog, mo' ****ers feel my wrath
(How do I live?) You can't! 'Cause it's insane in the plane and it's getting insaner

but there's a shining light riding Con Air tonight

And he gonna put the rabbit back in its container COME ON

That's right
We've got something special for you tonight
I'm talkin' classic action amplified by a dazzling, star-studded ensemble cast
It's like ****ing Gosford Park up in this piece
Everybody on screen, you're like, "I know that guy"
But this is only the beginning, y'all still not ready

Let's do this, come on 
Back on the ground a separate battle wages
'Cause this film portrays a conflict that plays out on several stages
DEA's an itchy-trigger-fingered problem solver
Gettin' harsh with the marshal, Mister Lloyd Dobler Dobler
Shoot down the plane, Dobler says they can't
Curly-Hair flies into a profanity-laden rant
And so the infighting carries on for several hours
A sly commentary on our bureaucratic powers
Up in the air, getting gnarly as heck
Ving Rhames stuffed some handcuffs in somebody's neck
now Cameron's blue eyes wince in anger and fear
He drops a Dave Chappelle-o-gram out the landing gear

YUP
(How do I live?) You don't! ‘Cause I'm the DEA, hotheaded and hasty
(How do I live?) You don't! ‘Cause I'm Cusack, highly educated and pasty
He won't gun down the plane, 'cause thugs are still people, he believes it's savage

bets it all on the corn-fed John McClane to reinstate the cottontail to its corrugated package, UH

Won't miss a thing, 'cause we in slow motion
There goes Cameron flying from an explosion

We got the baddest of the baddest
Thugs so rough it'll make you sick
But there's a lot more than Cyrus and Diamond Dog
There's some unsung mother****ers on board Con Air
So before we go into the night, let's remember who they are and how they got onto this plane

We got Cross-Dressing Guy, who is seriously gay
And he probably did something so they put him away, with
Flammable Indian, didn't need an introduction
He looks tough and ethnic so you make a deduction
Swamp Thing steers the firetruck, handles aviation
Familiar with so many vehicles it's a serious violation
Baby-O so sick like he got diabetes twice
Bubba in Forrest Gump, now he's paying the price
When Cameron is conflicted, Baby gives him advice
Goin' to maximum security 'cause he's super nice

BUST

(How do I live?) You don't! ‘Cause you're anyone in Vegas when the Jailbird crashed
(How do I live?) You don't! 'Cause you're Malkovich, electrocuted AND smashed
(How do I live?) You can't, 'cause in the screenplay, the last chase continued in space
But a tall, handsome ranger stood up to the danger and returned the hasenpfeffer to its carrying case, SHIT

Return the hasenpfeffer to its carrying case...

Y'all know hasenpfeffer's a German term for rabbit stew, y'all

I ran out of other rabbit words...

Con Air! 14 years is never too late
It is never too late to tell a movie you love it
That's why we're here

So tonight, when you go home, you grab that VHS of Universal Soldier off the shelf and you tell it you love it

You grab that recorded-off-of-network-television version of Hard To Kill and you tell it you love it

Elephant Larry

You guys suck y'all

Just kidding, please don't kick me out of the group